بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم
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Assalamu'alaikum
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Hallo, Lieblings!
Today I'm going to recount what happened in my early days in Heidelberg Studienkolleg. Well, as you can see, the starting point is always the hardest one. Just like when you climb a mountain, the first step is always hard, but keeping on track and being perseverance is going to be even more of a struggle. Although I'm aware that I'm a drama queen myself, many 'scenes' in this 'play' is one of the most dramatic ones.
Sorry, but not sorry.
Oh and be sure to read my previous posts of this The First Footsteps Series, just in case if you haven't😉
- The First Footsteps: The Awkward Highschooler (#1),
- The First Footsteps: Before The Flight (#2),
- The First Footsteps: Herzlich Wilkommen In Deutschland (#3).
- The First Footsteps: Aufnahmeprüfung (ANP) Dramas + Important Travel Tips! (#4)
I purely want to share what had happened throughout my 2 semesters in Studienkolleg thru my point of view. Studying abroad is a very big decision to make as it affects your whole life's plot. I hope it will give you some new perspectives you can refer to.
As a brief explanation, the courses I studied during M-Kurs are Biologie, Physik, Mathe, and Chemie for both first and second semesters and German in addition to the first semester. That makes 5 subjects for the first and 4 subjects for the second. Classes are from Monday to Friday mostly from 8 AM to 3/5 PM. All of the students in Heidelberg Studienkolleg must take the Deutsche Sprachprüfung für den Hochschulzugang (DSH) exam in the first semester but are allowed to take in again in the second. I took Festellungsprüfung (FSP) exam which covers chosen Math and sciences in the second semester.
Let the journey begun.
The first battle.
It was a cold morning in April when my first class started. I remembered went to my class along with my 20 friends across the globe. In my first German class, we were asked to go to an auditorium and make a group of two. Each of us then needs to introduce ourselves to our partner. I knew there is always the first time in everything, but as an introvert, I'm not used to feeling so pressured 😵 My friends spoke fluently whilst my part was full of commas and a moment of silence. Speaking is different from learning the grammar. Just like in Indo, you don't really 'study' KBBI and knowing the SPOK rule to speak to others don't ya.I struggled for couple of weeks in Studienkolleg adapting to my new environment. Most of my friends have learned and actually speaking German for at least 2 years on the average. Most of them had actually gone to language school in Uni Heidelberg, Max Weber Haus, in the previous semester.
I admit it was my own fault. I sunk myself more into the digitalized world of learning that I haven't been prepared for analog German life. As a recap, after one year of learning German in Indonesia, I indeed went to a language course in Germany with a native as my teacher. Yet I was caught off guard talking with my fellow Indo during the class. I wasn't even intrigued to speak actively in the group discussions. I always thought, "Oh I wasn't good enough. Why should I then, speak?"
Let me tell you, that in a matter of fact I was on the wrong track at that time. With that kind of mentality, I wasn't allowing myself to grow by crossing the border of the comfort zone. I should have known that language is something you must learn by doing through countless practices and tireless hours. No wonder life decided to slap me with karma right in front of my eyes 😀
My first Biology class was disastrous.
And my brain cells are screaming.
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Y'know that orientation day culture in Indo when the first day will only be introduction and orientation? That wouldn't be happening here, kids. We went straight to the lessons. And as you can guess, I haven't learn ANYTHING. Dangg, culture shock at its finest.
I remember being asked about the difference between prokaryotes and eukaryotes but I couldn't answer it directly. You know that moment when you know what to say but don't know how? In addition, I was really scared of my teacher as his first impression was strict. It was such a bad dream yet I could still remember it distinctly. Other subjects thankfully weren't as horrendous cause we weren't required to speak in long-German-sentences.
Thinking about how my friends excel not only in German classes made me bloody anxious. Most of the time I had butterflies in my stomach, but this time it wasn't because cute guys hanging around and asked for my number. My 'misery' was on its peak when a teacher of mine had asked me if I'd like to go back to the language course to 'polish' my language skills.
That time I felt like I was thrown deep down into an abyss and sinking. It's weird that one sentence could weigh down my shoulders so painfully. How could Prophet Muhammad PBUH then bear the pain of being mocked, being thrown with dirt, and other horrid treatments? 😟 He is indeed a human just like me. If he had enough capacity of sabr to still be kind to others, then I should too.
I knew straight away that hopelessly claiming myself that I was worthy of being treated so wasn't the answer. After days of self-exploration, reflections, pages of journaling countless meditations and prayers, I stood back on my feet. I studied 'smarter' not harder and made it easier for myself to grasp for fresh air. In the long run, I deliberately tried my best to actually stop comparing my journey with others. Through trials and errors, I finally found which system suits me best.
But hey, they are right when they say, "The most beautiful diamond comes from the highest pressured rocks". It was indeed a hell of a ride but it was a holy grail experience to be cherished on. Oftentimes people told me to 'let it flow'. Nahh, I guess I'd make my own flow.
Stay a little bit longer, maybe it's going to be okay tomorrow.
I learned this while reading the novel by A. Fuadi, "Negeri 5 Menara". The art of 'probational period' or in German, Probezeit. If you feel uncomfortable doing something for a week, why don't you try it for a month longer? Even after a month, you are still feeling uncomfortable, why don't try it for a year? 2 years? 3? At the end of the day you wouldn't even realize how impactful and how hard you've been through up until this point.
I received German homework
if only every single one of my paperwork turned into a food, I'd be obese by now.
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Sometimes I was very exhausted I didn't have the chance to really treat myself a good, wholesome breakfast or my nose bleed thanks to the overflowing stress. There are times when I felt the world wasn't siding on my side and people seemingly won't understand what I'm going through -- God and my tears are definitely my best friends.
After 3 months of ups and downs learning German, the DSH exam day had finally came. I admit it wasn't my best shot as my health had gradually decreased for a couple of days in advance. But, why regret? I'm a believer in the process though. My struggles and the hard work I've put myself into won't be scaled by the black on the white but who I am actually today. Don't you think so?
When my results from all subjects came out, it marked the end of the first semester. On the last day of class, I was really surprised that I had successfully passed this semester! It felt surreal for me, honestly. I owe this not only to my supportive family, friends, and teachers but also to myself. #lovemyself
The second battle.
After a joyous holiday in Indonesia and a couple weeks of 'rebahan', I went to my first class ever in the second semester with quite a good mood... until realizing that there were seniors that stayed in Studienkolleg for the second semester a.k.a. 'wieder'. When there were too many people in one class, it wouldn't be productive. As a conclusion, they need to divide the class into 2 groups. Yeh, and as you can guess, I was being separated from my comfort zone once again 😀 I was one of the two people that needed to be in a different class while my old friends from the first semester are in the other. As if my struggles in the first semester weren't enough. |
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But something really touched my heart. The day when I was assigned to study in a different class, my old classmates talked and hugged me saying that it wasn't fair. Without me knowing beforehand, they decided to talk to my homeroom teacher and asked if I could move and stay with them 😭 Thank you so much, you guys will never know how much it meant to me back then.
As there was no more German class, we intensively studied sciences. In Biologie, we had the chance to present one whole lecture about a topic we got to chose in the first semester and had the whole holiday to prepare. We learned more about Anatomie and I've chosen the topic 'the eye and its function'. I wouldn't explain the topic any further as it will lower your interest in continue reading, but long story short, it was complicated.
During the holiday, I needed to make summaries from books and references, not rephrasing and copy-paste from websites cause it's a deadly sin -- strictly forbidden, prepare PowerPoint and the handouts, and practice presenting. I need to e-mail my teacher about my progress on every deadline. What a joyous holiday indeed. Nevertheless, hard work would never lie though. I was thrilled to see how my friends are actively asking, giving opinions, and how my teacher had given a comprehensive explanation that helped me go on.
What I love about the learning culture here is, the 'no baper zone'. You will constantly be judged but in an objective kind of way. If you are good and hardworking, they will appreciate and said stuff you are worthy of. But if you are such a slacker, they wouldn't hesitate to evaluate and give constructive criticism. No hard feelings. You deserve what you deserve.
During the second semester, we needed to prepare for our one, last exam season -- the holy Festellungsprüfung (FSP) exam. We got to choose 2 subjects from the 4 available options. It was 1) Mathe or Physik, and 2) Biologie or Chemie. I went with Physik and Chemie. This exam was like our final exam, therefore, it affects a huge part of our report card. I think FSP exam is basically the same 'level' with Ujian Sekolah (USEK) that I wrote back in high school. I was thankful that there are tutorials that I could attend to prepare for FSP. It was such a great help! 🙆 for you that have been privileged to have tutorials, do not skip for your own good.
I heard that every Studienkolleg's FSP difficulty (and thus its curriculum) is based on the Abitur or the final exam in Gymnasium (high school) which depends on the Bundesland (state). For example, Heidelberg Studienkolleg is located in Baden-Württemberg (BW) state, which means it has more or less the same standard as all Gymnasium located in BW state. Other Studienkolleg, for example, Frankfurt Studienkolleg is located in Hessen state thus they may have a slightly different difficulty. I personally think all Studienkolleg in Germany has the same standard for curriculum, but that doesn't close the possibility of differences in the 'depth' of the materials.
FSP wasn't really a big deal if you study hard with no sleeping at all for 3 months.
No, just kidding.
As long as you pay attention, actively learn in class, do homework, write every single thing your teacher said, and not afraid to ask when you don't understand something, I believe you'll go through this. Every time you think you can't do this or you've had enough with all the stress... The last time I check, thoughts are just thoughts, not fact. They neither depict who you are nor who you could become. So believe in how wonderful you are actually and those potentials in you, kay?
I went through FSP surprisingly with less stress than I imagined. I was always the idealistic self that wanted everything to be going alright and perfectly as planned + targetted. Thus I always burn out and frequently having mental breakdowns.
But in the long run, I realize that juggling too many oranges at the same time is absurd, at some point one must sacrifice a number of the oranges. I was tired of being so harsh on myself, it's time to change my mindset. This time, instead of pushing my limit to its peak, I decided to take a step back. Study not only because of the mark I've been targetted into but because of the knowledge that sparks joy. I want to stop making studying as an excuse to neglect both of my mental and physical heaths.
At the end of the day, even if my marks aren't as beautiful as the sky-rocketed targets that I've written on the wall, I'm delighted to say that I was given the chance to know me better and get the hang of my 'crisis'. Which was far more important than black-on-the-white, in the long term.
Oh and I miss my friends and homeroom teachers so much!! Hope you guys are rocking life by now 🙆
Love and light,
Sintya.
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