بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم
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Assalamu'alaikum
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I hope everyone is doing remarkably well despite the raging coronavirus storm. Just like everybody that is being isolated and forced to do things at home, suddenly I got so much time to spare to talk to myself. This post is going to be the epilogue of this series, however, the finish line is still far away on the horizon.
Anyway, thank you for being here with me throughout my previous 5 posts. It is such an honor to have you here with me and witness my growth 😇 If you missed it out, here is the list of the posts in this series.
- The First Footsteps: The Awkward Highschooler (#1),
- The First Footsteps: Before The Flight (#2),
- The First Footsteps: Herzlich Wilkommen In Deutschland (#3).
- The First Footsteps: Aufnahmeprüfung (ANP) Dramas + Important Travel Tips! (#4)
- The First Footsteps: Studienkolleg, The Early Battlefield (#5)
I throw myself back at the moment when my thoughts are filled with regrets and disappointments. that made me think if only I do this and not that, if only this happened and not that. When I get to think about it today, those toxic thoughts are only fueling my self-esteem to break down and disappear in time. As time goes on, my choice of digging a hole and put all my regrets there and never look back on it is not the wisest choice, too.
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People need to make mistakes to grow and then at the end of the day bloom.
I need years to understand the art of throwing (sorry) shit. People that are closest to you may throw shit countlessly and outrage you. But at the end of the day, it's you that got to choose whether decomposing that shit into fertilizer that nourishes your journey or screaming at them from throwing it. Just like if you look at hardship like boiling water, it depends on you to react like eggs that became tougher and solid or like carrots that became tender.
Writing this series made me realize that I've gone through so many deadlocks, that made me not sure if I was worthy of keep going at the time. This post is dedicated to my old self a year ago that was filled mostly with anxiety. Hopefully you, dear readers, could extract some tips I'd love to give to the young(er), dumb and broke Sintya in Studienkolleg.
Dear Sintya,
How are you today? I hope despite all of the pressure and high expectations you are giving yourself to, you can still stand firm. If the time machine is being successfully invented in my life span, I'd definitely pat yourself on the back and hug you tight.
You may think that your days in Heidelberg will be raging storms and hurricanes. You stressed yourself out and tell yourself by various ugly things for not doing good enough, For not having that one question right. You blame yourself for getting accepted in a high-standard Studienkolleg and being the stupidest there.
Stop.
Stop blaming yourself.
Feeling stupid is a sign that you are still learning. It's better to be the stupidest in a room full of genius rather than feeling the smartest. Diatas langit, masih ada langit. Don't just accept the fact that maybe the odds may not be in your favor, but learn and move forward! Be strong. You are your own supporter. Take chances, brace yourself!
Remember when every time you try to write an essay, you always write on german.typeit.org first before writing it on a piece of paper? You may think of it as a waste of time, but at some point, this perfectionism of yours had saved your report card. But I think you should better write directly on the paper after 2 months to practice for DSH exams. Thank you for doing it that way though.
Remember when anime and Ghibli movies saved your sanity? You always thought watching movies is a waste of time, thus decided to make it productive by turning the subtitle into German! After some time, it does help. I was so proud that you did talk more fluently by diligently imitate Yato from Noragami. And that time when you are preaching people some wise talks because you watched the last episode of Your Lie In April and Spirited Away? Haha, I'm so proud of you!
You know, every time you feel dreadful and anxious when the teacher asked the class a question.. I wish you had known before that it wasn't that bad for trying to answer. I hope you know that fighting off the demons inside you is not easy, but trying your best is never a wrong choice. No one had gotten time to actually judge you or even care about that grammatically wrong sentence. It's not really a big deal if you speak not fluent enough or even that stupid little word that haunted your mind for days. Don't stress over little things, trust me.
Why did I say so?
Because I couldn't even remember it by now.
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Finish that book you've borrowed from the library!! Stop giving yourself excuses by saying you've got so much to do. Clean your room, wash your laundry, don't be lazy to get active and sweaty. Move it, slacker! It's all up to you anyway at the end. Procrastination is definitely not a choice 😀 Give yourself tasty and healthy food. Never ever skip breakfast! Don't make your nose bleed due to stress and unhealthy life routine, please.
Oh and don't forget to thank people that gravitate towards you from every part of the globe. They may not be there to pat your back or lending their shoulders for you to cry on, but they had given their most precious thing -- time. Don't keep it all to yourself when people are actually all around you ready to hear your stories.
Be grateful always for papa and mama who had given up so many things for you, including the choice of letting you go. Letting you fall so you could learn to stand up alone. Giving you the privilege to see a wider horizon. Sending you the unconditional love, that you've had just enough love to give back to the world. Even if it's through the net.
Thank you for diligently working on every homework and tried your best. Thanks for choosing a path that maybe not everyone's favorite. Thank you for cooking those delicious brownies every time you achieved something or treat yourself with that bubble teas. Thank you for stopping and took a step back when your responsibility as a student, a friend, and a daughter overwhelms you. Thank you for staying true to yourself when you had an existential crisis lol.
You are definitely a crackhead but I won't be ashamed of that. Just don't fake those laugh when all you feel is breaking down alright? 😗
When you feel like stopping, hold on. Stay strong for a little bit longer will you? Everything is going to be okay in the end I promise you. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. Hard doesn't mean it's impossible to do. You are a strong, resilient human being and what's special about you is there is only one 'you' in this whole universe. (You should be a lil bit special by now haha.)
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Today I flipped through your/my journal and is amazed by how persistence you are despite the ugly things happened. Yes, you go girl. Dump the horrendous thoughts on those pieces of paper! Write until the tears on your cheeks dried out. After that don't forget to take your wudu' and pray. Tell Him every little thing that happened. Seek for His forgiveness and guidance.
If only I could press rewind and turn back time, I would still choose this seemingly challenging path. Even if my real journey here hasn't reached its peak point -- or even start, I believe that this way you will grow, nourish, and became better. You may seem puzzled sometimes but trust me, the picture at the end would be breathtaking enough to make you forget how pathetic your struggles are HAHA.
I could never thank you enough for trying your best though it wasn't perfect.
I hope you'll always be the sunbeam you've always wished to be and may your heart be filled no other than love.
Love and light,
(the older) Sintya 💙
"You can't alter your fate.
However, you can rise to meet it."
(Princess Mononoke, 1997)
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