Wednesday, January 11, 2023
I'm sorry, but I can't go home yet
This morning, I awoke startled.
10.54 AM.
God, not again.
I was supposed to attend a VWL class at 10.15 AM, and I guess it’s not worth all the rush and racing with the ticking clock. I texted a good friend of mine that I woke up late and chuckled as I read her answers.
👩 Ich wusste es.
👩 Ich wollte gestern noch zu dir sagen 'aber nicht verschlafen!'
I knew it.
I wanted to say to you yesterday, 'but don’t oversleep!’
Truth is, I slept at 3 AM. Not only today but also almost every day since last week. Please don’t ask me why, because I'm also looking for a definite answer.
It’s not even the 2nd week of 2023, yet there were a lot of human things that happened. Few called it drama, but I decided to call it life.
I opened the window and wondered why the sky looked so gloomy today. It seemed like it was about to rain. The sweater weather made me march back to bed. I still have time to kill before the next class anyway.
As I scroll down through Instagram, my sister phoned.
Great. What a perfect time to get caught.
My soul is still disconnected, my sight hazy, but I took the call anyway.
📞 Have you checked the family WhatsApp group?
What?
I read through the 30+ messages.
My head was spinning and my heart skipped a beat.
Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun
Telah berpulang kahadirat Allah SWT
Ibu Sukarti bin Sadili Martowirejo
Pada hari ini, Rabu, 11 Januari 2023 pukul 20.23 WIB.
Mohon doanya semoga almarhumah berpulang dengan husnul khotimah.
Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun
Has passed away in the presence of Allah SWT
Mrs. Sukarti bin Sadili Martowirejo
Today, Wednesday, 11th January 2023 at 20.23 West Indonesia Time.
Please pray that the deceased will leave with husnul khotimah (beautiful closure).
Grandma.
At this point, the gloomy sky started to pour heavily. 🌧
Assalamu'alaikum.
Hello, friends.
I hope you are starting 2023 with a big heart and positive determination. As I pondered about reviving my blog, my top priorities were to ‘spread positivity’ and to ‘make people feel better’. That's why I felt sorry for having to begin my first post in 2023 with such... agony.
But you know what? This is one of the many things, students abroad and those who live far away from their loved ones have to face day by day, besides their constant academic struggle. I think it’s crucial to let you guys know how big the tradeoff is. And I want you to know that even the darkest clouds still have silver linings. 🌥
You may read this post because you know me from my sugar-coated Instagram account. Duh, of course I don’t want you to see me right now. Especially when I struggle to even open my swollen eyes due to the ‘excessive’ production of tears, in addition to my already unwanted sleep-deprived routines.
Oh, to dream out loud. The bigger the dream, the bigger things you must ready to sacrifice. If you ask me to list all the things that I missed out on during my venture abroad, trust me friend, it will be never-ending.
I just can’t describe how painful it is not to see how my little sister has grown into a fine young woman, or how my parents’ hair has started to shift to silver.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”
I tried so hard to let out a simple smile every time I said ‘I wish I was there to celebrate your happy day’ when my friends video-called me during their birthdays.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”
How must I have felt when I turned down a lot of wedding invitations from the kindest friends?
“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”
And then it hit me so hard and cruelly when I heard about Grandma’s passing. Yet, besides the prayers and the deepest condolences, these words always linger in my mouth.
“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”
A lot of things made me contemplate life. However, in plain English, the depressing days taught me a lot more. Most of the time, it made no sense when it happened. Then, magically, a couple of months later, I can do nothing but thank God that I was able to absorb a lot of learnings from the dreary experience.
During my time abroad, I’m alone with my thoughts most of the time. I ponder quite a lot, and sometimes even too much. How frail we can be at times; how can we be in a room full of people and feel as if there is no one to rely on; and how far can our hearts ache? 💔
I don't want this heartbreak post to be self-pitying, where I lament the things I wish I had done, the promises I unwillingly break, or the words I should have said because someone else's time is the God's top secret.
I want this to serve as a reminder that all you have is the present. Say what you want to say, love like you always wanted to love, pour your tawbah--repentance in your prayers, forgive and be kind to others... Because truth to be told, we are all one breath away from our last.
Ever heard of The Hero's Journey?
Coined by Joseph Campbell, this storytelling framework divides the plot of a story into three stages. First, the hero’s mundane life is disrupted by a call for adventure. Second, the hero has to overcome challenges and defeat enemies during their quest. Then third, they finally return home transformed. At each stage of the journey, the heroes will undergo inner and outer transformations.
Living with mundane routines (1) we are always thirsty for adventures (2), yet too afraid to take the risks (3). Then there comes a time when someone or something sparks our energy and enthusiasm to jump into the boat #YOLO (4). Leaving our comfort zones (5), we may regret our impulsivity (!!) yet we made great friends anyway, dealt with a lot of challenges, and grew from our mistakes (6).
As we get closer to our goals (7), there will always be problems that are so big we thought we couldn’t make it (8). Then help came magically, a light at the end of the tunnel (9). We constantly learn, reflect, and make sure the bad stuff wouldn’t happen again (10). Nevertheless, big obstacles may come in the way despite how close we are to the finish line (11). In the end, the hero heads home. Triumphant (12). And the cycle will begin again at (1).
I don’t know about you, but I like to think that we are the heroes of our own stories. (Yep, here we go with our main character's energy!). It makes me feel really hopeful to perceive the world as our runway.
I met a lot of people, strong ones, along the way who went through things that my limited human brain can’t fully comprehend and sympathise with. Their stories are, in short, overwhelmingly insane. Not to compare, but if I were put in their shoes at the same time as them, I doubt I could handle it as gracefully as they did..
Life can be very brutal in a second. Yet somehow… As the world spun like smooth jazz, we found reasons to keep on living. We found hope. Sometimes even from the most unexpected places. We just have to keep walking, if not, crawling, until along the way all the puzzle pieces come together and everything will make perfect sense.
“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity…” (Al-Baqarah: 286)
The excerpt of this verse is very well known among my friends from high school and has been kept very close to my heart until this very day. Sometimes, we do get pushed to our limit. We do need to give some things up and then need to pivot. We do feel like the mountains are too heavy to be moved. We do have limited time. But surprisingly, along our rocky paths, God had given us a scenic view to ease our minds, heartwarming conversations in books that somehow uplift our spirits, even bizarre encounters with strangers-turned-best friends.
I may have changed my major from Food Chemistry (a story for another time), but there is one thing I learned in Physical Chemistry. Based on the second law of Thermodynamics, the total entropy or chaos in this universe is always positive. Meaning, it can never get back to zero or decrease, it’s simply there and expanding. To note, the more disorder there is, the higher the entropy. If you are curious about this, believe me, you don’t want to hear my explanation. I’ll give you the freedom to search for yourself on Google.
Studying abroad has a lot of tradeoffs. Sure.
But it can change your life for the better. Definitely.
Nevertheless, despite the gruesome plots life had written for me up until this point, I’m very grateful that the whole process has been very rewarding. I definitely broke my heart into million pieces along the way. Yet, without it, I will never learn how to heal myself and rely on Him to get back up again. As they said, no heartbreak lasts forever.
Life is bizarre, chaotic, and ecstatic. Yet it’s also beautiful, serene, and fulfilling at the same time. Frankly, I think that being hopeful is one of the secrets of living (other than not drinking too much caffeine or getting enough sleep I suppose). We all struggling, but please never make an excuse that your heroic story doesn’t matter at all.
In reality, we have choices until we don't. Time is running short.
I hope that instead of running away from the uncomfortable feelings and seemingly impossible challenges, you had the strength and courage to, in the end, accept the bleeding, heal, and then keep walking.
Because we all know that when the hero stops, their story ends there.
Thank you for sticking around.
I hope--my last hope--we are strong enough to hope.
At least, until we can go back home again.
Love and light,
Sintya
More recommended reading:
Friday, April 3, 2020
"Are you sure about studying abroad?"
بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم
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| When in Leipzig, early March. |
Are you sure about studying abroad?
Are you sure about leaving your family so early?
Are you sure you are strong enough to handle those challenges?
Are you sure you are ready to live so far away all alone?
#1 Be conscious of your 'why'
- What is the biggest reason for you to embark on this journey?
- Are you financially, psychologically, and physically ready? (I understand that money is a sensitive topic to talk about especially, but it is crucial to understand if your family has urgent priorities or vital plans to do in the future)
- Do you have any other responsibilities to do in your homeland?
- Will this journey makes you grow to be a better you? Why?
- What do you really want to learn and achieve?
- Are you ready to face every challenge that is coming? How is it?
- Will you be okay if you fail? What would you do next?
#2 Choose your target!
- First, because of the country. Some countries provide specific programs or unique characteristics that any other countries don't. For example, Germany is known for its unquestionable work ethic, wonderful renaissance architecture, and amazing landscapes. Plus, if you got a Schengen Visa, you can go to all EU Countries with no additional work to do!
- Second, because of the course of study. Some countries may provide better courses or even courses that others don't. For example, Biomedicine, Nanotech, and Bioinformatic aren't really common in Indonesia. That's why some of my friends eagerly continue their studies in Germany to learn what they think to suit them best.
#3 Educate yourself, do research!
Rank the countries you've chosen according to your specific standards. It may include the estimated life cost, the prospect of work, the language, the skill that you need and every detail. Write down which particular city in the country that interests you the most and why. Write the pros and cons!I'm actually excited yet scared tbh in this time of exploration haha. The more I know, the better. Yet that not only includes the ups, but also the downs. The more I know what kind of challenge I have to face though...
Looking at my life be like Kaonashi standing under the shower of sadness.
You may want to see how many hours does the country allows its foreign students to work. I really admire many of my friends that are solo financially supporting themselves. Tbh, I don't really recommend you to work during your studies if you have the privilege not to and can easily be distracted. However, every individual is different and you understand your capabilities better than anyone else. If part-timing doesn't really affect your study flow and priorities, then just go for it! It's a great experience anyway.
#4 Pray
I guess every belief has its own unique way of seeking guidance from The Almighty. Meditate and even yoga may help you clear up the mess in your head. Do whatever suits your cup of tea! 😇
#5 Strengthen yourself
Hard times are coming and they gonna hit you like endless tsunamis. But, you are your biggest supporter and influencer. Realize that opinions are just opinions. They are just subjective thoughts made by the brain according to different perspectives.
#6 Getting to the fam
#7 (Trying our best to) be wise with every answer
- If their answer is yes, get yourself ready and be grateful. One to-do list is now checked but there are still many things to do and prepare. Never lose that grip of 'why' and faith of yours. Get ready for a whole dose of upcoming challenges (and dramas)!
- If their answer is no, it's alright and still, be grateful for that. 'There are 1000 ways to go to Rome' and this door may not be yours this time. But what if it is your door tomorrow? Next week? Next year? Next couple of years? If our 'why' is crystal clear, let's put a comma in between rather than a period. Try to understand the 'why' of your parents saying so just like you wanted them to listen to yours and put yourself in their shoes. Maybe this 'extra challenge' is going to make your skin thicker and your heart stronger than it will ever be.
#8 Still, inhale knowledge
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"Even amidst the hatred and carnage, life is still worth living. It is possible for wonderful encounters and beautiful things to exist." (Hayao Miyazaki)
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Superwomen Who Shift Mountains
بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم
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Hello, Lieblings!
Not only to commemorate International Women's Day on the 8th March, I decided to post this because today is no ordinary day for a special someone -- but I can't spill the tea just yet! Please first do take time to read the rest of this post haha.
Not really long ago I started reading a book that Malala Yousafzai had written, "I am Malala". That book gave me quite a number of goosebumps just reading all of her hardship she and her family had to go through including the shooting tragedy. For those who don't know her yet, Malala was shot when she was 15 on a bus as her compassionate passion for education sparks a threat to the Taliban.
I couldn't even imagine being positioned in her shoes... But this seeming tragedy that was intended to make her keep shut, made her voice even louder. Her fiery spirit leads her to be the youngest Nobel Prize awardee, the UNICEF Ambassador, and even the founder of the Malala Fund. Her words and actions are thought-provoking. It had woken me up to keep on moving to fight for what we believe is right.
"I want every girl to know that their voice can change the world." (Malala Yousafzai)
Scrolling through Instagram is no longer a toxic activity for me after I found out that there are lots and lots of inspiring people especially young women. My impression of them was like "Dang, mereka mengguncang dunia!" There are a lot of people from different fields of study that had inspired me to be the better and the better me.
I found Melati Wijsen because I was following the World Economic Forum on Instagram. Since she was 12 years old, she and her sister had empowered and inspired so many young people especially in Bali to be a changemaker and started Bye Bye Plastic Bags (BBPB) in Bali -- a campaign to stop plastic pollution. In 2019 the Bali government finally agreed to ban plastic bags. The movement grew and grew until it recently has 50 active teams that spread in 29 countries.
Melati also created a program called Youthopia, where young peeps will be trained with basic skills like public speaking, leadership, organizational, and even will be given workshops from other young changemakers. How cool is that?!
"Everything is interconnected. We no longer look at things and think of it as a burden but more of as an opportunity for us to really state what we believe and drive forward from the heart. We don't have the luxury of time to wait and sit back and relax. Be brave and start taking actions today." (Melati Wijsen)
As for healthy lifestyle content creators, to be honest I don't even know where to start! Everyone has their own colors and they embrace it beautifully. I love it that I could effortlessly tell that these people are very dedicated to what they are doing and the fact that their contents are bringing positive vibes into this world full of darkness haha.
Pick Up Limes (yeh it's a pun) is owned by Sadia Badiei. Entitled a bachelor of dietetics, her youtube channel contents rotate towards yummy vegan recipes, thoughtful but uncomplicated information regarding nutrition, living a healthy life, and many more. I couldn't lie that she also inspired me to keep on blogging and even sparked my interest more into studying biochemistry and nutrition! If you have time, please do take a look at her website, Pick Up Limes.
Liah Yoo is another story. You know that chaebol stories in Kdrama? Dang, when I look at Liah it feels like she just literally walked out of my laptop screen! For me, she is the Yoon Se Ri in Crash Landing On You. I remembered found her Youtube channel when I had acne breakout and doesn't really what to do. Her contents gravitate towards skincare, obviously, as in beauty reviews, chemical ingredients, what should or shouldn't be applied at the same time.Finished her bachelor with the title bachelor of arts from Ewha Woman's University (in Spatial Design) in South Korea, no one really expects that she is the founder + CEO from Krave Beauty! She learned the 'art' of skincare with only the intention of sharing the information with those who needed help and everything else just flows naturally. I love it that she keeps everything real and realistic. Even if she looks like a shining star, she won't hesitate to share that, she too, just a powerless human being. Sometimes her life too had ups and downs along with its storms and flaws but it's her hard work that turned it into sun rays. I promise, her 'down to the earth' spirit wouldn't let you leave her Youtube channel empty-handed!
As for self-help, I think Aida Azlin, Lavendaire, and Haegreendal channels are really my top recommendations. They have their own ways to shine and I really adore how they 'hug' their community family with the intention to spread kindness.
Kak Aida Azlin really inspires me in a way a bigger sister would tell her little sisters what she thinks about life from the (mostly) Islamic perspective. Every time I'm stuck in my 'futur' phase (when your Imaan is at its low point) I'd usually go to Kak Aida's channel to recharge. What I love about her is that her words don't force me to be a certain person to be good, but instead I should've looked at my flaws and how can I embrace it and turned my perspective into seeing it as something beautiful. I always feel inspired and content after watching her vids. FYI every Tuesday, Kak Aida will send a Tuesday Love Letter thru e-mail for sisters that have subscribed to her website. Her love letters are no joke -- as if she had attached all her love and passion to serve the Muslimah sisterhood.
Thanks to Aileen Xu, I regard Lavendaire as one of the few channels that the host is being blessed with a beautifully calming voice! I could actually relate to Aileen's life story countless of times as she had gone through complicated phases of 'mencari jati diri' -- seeking her true self. I love her Lavi Lifestyle Podcast the most because she often invites stunningly inspiring and cool people from different kinds of fields. The fact that it is available on many platforms, such as Google Podcast, Spotify, and Apple Podcast makes it easier for me to listen.
As for Haegreendal, she is a stay-at-home mom that made me believe that cleaning the house is a very prestigious and graceful thing to do. Like, what superpower that she has to make this lazy, hobi-rebahan-girl starts moving and take that mop?! After thinking about it for a while I came to the conclusion that she just simply... grateful for her life. She showered every single of her videos with literal love and light. Her videos are actually quite simple, but they are all seriously aesthetically pleasing. Just watching them can even calm down my nerves.
Actually, there are still lots of women that inspire me every day like Dr. Sylvia A. Earle, Frida Kahlo, Emma Watson, Maudy Ayunda, Selena Gomez, Yuna Kim... This is gonna be an endless post obviously. However, although they make me realize that out of all these invincible influencers there is this very crucial role that plays the biggest role in my life.
The role of a mother.
As I said at the beginning of this post, today, almost half a century ago my superwoman was born. She is neither a famous Youtuber nor someone that has millions of followers on Instagram. She might be seen as just one ordinary person, but the truth is, she is one of a kind in my eyes. How amazing it is to hold the pain of giving my birth 19 years ago and not ever once regret raising me and my sister. She is a humble, patient, and passionate woman with lots of flaws, but I'm really blessed and grateful to have her as a mother. If you by any chance, a student of hers in UGM -- I really envy you, man. She loved you all dearly and even sometimes neglecting me while marking all those exam papers! Lol.
Thank you for being my go-to each time tears pour down my face and in my happiest moments.
Barakallah fii umrik, uri eomma. Ich liebe dich.
Love and light,
Sintya