بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم

Assalamu'alaikum

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Hallo, Lieblings!

I hope everyone is doing remarkably well despite the raging coronavirus storm. Just like everybody that is being isolated and forced to do things at home, suddenly I got so much time to spare to talk to myself. This post is going to be the epilogue of this series, however, the finish line is still far away on the horizon.

Anyway, thank you for being here with me throughout my previous 5 posts. It is such an honor to have you here with me and witness my growth 😇 If you missed it out, here is the list of the posts in this series.

• The First Footsteps: The Awkward Highschooler (#1),
• The First Footsteps: Before The Flight (#2),
• The First Footsteps: Herzlich Wilkommen In Deutschland (#3).
• The First Footsteps: Aufnahmeprüfung (ANP) Dramas + Important Travel Tips! (#4)
• The First Footsteps: Studienkolleg, The Early Battlefield (#5)

I throw myself back at the moment when my thoughts are filled with regrets and disappointments. that made me think if only I do this and not that, if only this happened and not that. When I get to think about it today, those toxic thoughts are only fueling my self-esteem to break down and disappear in time. As time goes on, my choice of digging a hole and put all my regrets there and never look back on it is not the wisest choice, too.

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People need to make mistakes to grow and then at the end of the day bloom.

I need years to understand the art of throwing (sorry) shit. People that are closest to you may throw shit countlessly and outrage you. But at the end of the day, it's you that got to choose whether decomposing that shit into fertilizer that nourishes your journey or screaming at them from throwing it. Just like if you look at hardship like boiling water, it depends on you to react like eggs that became tougher and solid or like carrots that became tender.

Writing this series made me realize that I've gone through so many deadlocks, that made me not sure if I was worthy of keep going at the time. This post is dedicated to my old self a year ago that was filled mostly with anxiety. Hopefully you, dear readers, could extract some tips I'd love to give to the young(er), dumb and broke Sintya in Studienkolleg.


Dear Sintya,

How are you today? I hope despite all of the pressure and high expectations you are giving yourself to, you can still stand firm. If the time machine is being successfully invented in my life span, I'd definitely pat yourself on the back and hug you tight.

You may think that your days in Heidelberg will be raging storms and hurricanes. You stressed yourself out and tell yourself by various ugly things for not doing good enough, For not having that one question right. You blame yourself for getting accepted in a high-standard Studienkolleg and being the stupidest there.

Stop.

Stop blaming yourself.

Feeling stupid is a sign that you are still learning. It's better to be the stupidest in a room full of genius rather than feeling the smartest. Diatas langit, masih ada langit. Don't just accept the fact that maybe the odds may not be in your favor, but learn and move forward! Be strong. You are your own supporter. Take chances, brace yourself!

Remember when every time you try to write an essay, you always write on german.typeit.org first before writing it on a piece of paper? You may think of it as a waste of time, but at some point, this perfectionism of yours had saved your report card. But I think you should better write directly on the paper after 2 months to practice for DSH exams. Thank you for doing it that way though.

Remember when anime and Ghibli movies saved your sanity? You always thought watching movies is a waste of time, thus decided to make it productive by turning the subtitle into German! After some time, it does help. I was so proud that you did talk more fluently by diligently imitate Yato from Noragami. And that time when you are preaching people some wise talks because you watched the last episode of Your Lie In April and Spirited Away? Haha, I'm so proud of you!

You know, every time you feel dreadful and anxious when the teacher asked the class a question.. I wish you had known before that it wasn't that bad for trying to answer. I hope you know that fighting off the demons inside you is not easy, but trying your best is never a wrong choice. No one had gotten time to actually judge you or even care about that grammatically wrong sentence. It's not really a big deal if you speak not fluent enough or even that stupid little word that haunted your mind for days. Don't stress over little things, trust me.

Why did I say so?

Because I couldn't even remember it by now.

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Finish that book you've borrowed from the library!! Stop giving yourself excuses by saying you've got so much to do. Clean your room, wash your laundry, don't be lazy to get active and sweaty. Move it, slacker! It's all up to you anyway at the end. Procrastination is definitely not a choice 😀 Give yourself tasty and healthy food. Never ever skip breakfast! Don't make your nose bleed due to stress and unhealthy life routine, please.

Oh and don't forget to thank people that gravitate towards you from every part of the globe. They may not be there to pat your back or lending their shoulders for you to cry on, but they had given their most precious thing -- time. Don't keep it all to yourself when people are actually all around you ready to hear your stories.

Be grateful always for papa and mama who had given up so many things for you, including the choice of letting you go. Letting you fall so you could learn to stand up alone. Giving you the privilege to see a wider horizon. Sending you the unconditional love, that you've had just enough love to give back to the world. Even if it's through the net.

Thank you for diligently working on every homework and tried your best. Thanks for choosing a path that maybe not everyone's favorite. Thank you for cooking those delicious brownies every time you achieved something or treat yourself with that bubble teas. Thank you for stopping and took a step back when your responsibility as a student, a friend, and a daughter overwhelms you. Thank you for staying true to yourself when you had an existential crisis lol.

You are definitely a crackhead but I won't be ashamed of that. Just don't fake those laugh when all you feel is breaking down alright? 😗

When you feel like stopping, hold on. Stay strong for a little bit longer will you? Everything is going to be okay in the end I promise you. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. Hard doesn't mean it's impossible to do. You are a strong, resilient human being and what's special about you is there is only one 'you' in this whole universe. (You should be a lil bit special by now haha.)

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Today I flipped through your/my journal and is amazed by how persistence you are despite the ugly things happened. Yes, you go girl. Dump the horrendous thoughts on those pieces of paper! Write until the tears on your cheeks dried out. After that don't forget to take your wudu' and pray. Tell Him every little thing that happened. Seek for His forgiveness and guidance.

If only I could press rewind and turn back time, I would still choose this seemingly challenging path. Even if my real journey here hasn't reached its peak point -- or even start, I believe that this way you will grow, nourish, and became better. You may seem puzzled sometimes but trust me, the picture at the end would be breathtaking enough to make you forget how pathetic your struggles are HAHA.

I could never thank you enough for trying your best though it wasn't perfect.

I hope you'll always be the sunbeam you've always wished to be and may your heart be filled no other than love.

Love and light,
(the older) Sintya 💙

"You can't alter your fate.
However, you can rise to meet it."
(Princess Mononoke, 1997)

بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم

Assalamu'alaikum

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Hallo, Lieblings!

Today I'm going to recount what happened in my early days in Heidelberg Studienkolleg. Well, as you can see, the starting point is always the hardest one. Just like when you climb a mountain, the first step is always hard, but keeping on track and being perseverance is going to be even more of a struggle. Although I'm aware that I'm a drama queen myself, many 'scenes' in this 'play' is one of the most dramatic ones.

Sorry, but not sorry.

Oh and be sure to read my previous posts of this The First Footsteps Series, just in case if you haven't😉

• The First Footsteps: The Awkward Highschooler (#1),
• The First Footsteps: Before The Flight (#2),
• The First Footsteps: Herzlich Wilkommen In Deutschland (#3).
• The First Footsteps: Aufnahmeprüfung (ANP) Dramas + Important Travel Tips! (#4)

I purely want to share what had happened throughout my 2 semesters in Studienkolleg thru my point of view. Studying abroad is a very big decision to make as it affects your whole life's plot. I hope it will give you some new perspectives you can refer to.

As a brief explanation, the courses I studied during M-Kurs are Biologie, Physik, Mathe, and Chemie for both first and second semesters and German in addition to the first semester. That makes 5 subjects for the first and 4 subjects for the second. Classes are from Monday to Friday mostly from 8 AM to 3/5 PM. All of the students in Heidelberg Studienkolleg must take the Deutsche Sprachprüfung für den Hochschulzugang (DSH) exam in the first semester but are allowed to take in again in the second. I took Festellungsprüfung (FSP) exam which covers chosen Math and sciences in the second semester.

Let the journey begun.

The first battle.

It was a cold morning in April when my first class started. I remembered went to my class along with my 20 friends across the globe. In my first German class, we were asked to go to an auditorium and make a group of two. Each of us then needs to introduce ourselves to our partner.  I knew there is always the first time in everything, but as an introvert, I'm not used to feeling so pressured 😵 My friends spoke fluently whilst my part was full of commas and a moment of silence. Speaking is different from learning the grammar. Just like in Indo, you don't really 'study' KBBI and knowing the SPOK rule to speak to others don't ya.

I struggled for couple of weeks in Studienkolleg adapting to my new environment. Most of my friends have learned and actually speaking German for at least 2 years on the average. Most of them had actually gone to language school in Uni Heidelberg, Max Weber Haus, in the previous semester.

I admit it was my own fault. I sunk myself more into the digitalized world of learning that I haven't been prepared for analog German life. As a recap, after one year of learning German in Indonesia, I indeed went to a language course in Germany with a native as my teacher. Yet I was caught off guard talking with my fellow Indo during the class. I wasn't even intrigued to speak actively in the group discussions. I always thought, "Oh I wasn't good enough. Why should I then, speak?"

Let me tell you, that in a matter of fact I was on the wrong track at that time. With that kind of mentality, I wasn't allowing myself to grow by crossing the border of the comfort zone. I should have known that language is something you must learn by doing through countless practices and tireless hours. No wonder life decided to slap me with karma right in front of my eyes 😀

My first Biology class was disastrous.
And my brain cells are screaming.

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Y'know that orientation day culture in Indo when the first day will only be introduction and orientation? That wouldn't be happening here, kids. We went straight to the lessons. And as you can guess, I haven't learn ANYTHING. Dangg, culture shock at its finest.

I remember being asked about the difference between prokaryotes and eukaryotes but I couldn't answer it directly.  You know that moment when you know what to say but don't know how? In addition, I was really scared of my teacher as his first impression was strict. It was such a bad dream yet I could still remember it distinctly. Other subjects thankfully weren't as horrendous cause we weren't required to speak in long-German-sentences.

Thinking about how my friends excel not only in German classes made me bloody anxious. Most of the time I had butterflies in my stomach, but this time it wasn't because cute guys hanging around and asked for my number. My 'misery' was on its peak when a teacher of mine had asked me if I'd like to go back to the language course to 'polish' my language skills.

That time I felt like I was thrown deep down into an abyss and sinking. It's weird that one sentence could weigh down my shoulders so painfully. How could Prophet Muhammad PBUH then bear the pain of being mocked, being thrown with dirt, and other horrid treatments? 😟 He is indeed a human just like me. If he had enough capacity of sabr to still be kind to others, then I should too.

I knew straight away that hopelessly claiming myself that I was worthy of being treated so wasn't the answer. After days of self-exploration, reflections, pages of journaling countless meditations and prayers, I stood back on my feet. I studied 'smarter' not harder and made it easier for myself to grasp for fresh air. In the long run, I deliberately tried my best to actually stop comparing my journey with others. Through trials and errors, I finally found which system suits me best.

But hey, they are right when they say, "The most beautiful diamond comes from the highest pressured rocks". It was indeed a hell of a ride but it was a holy grail experience to be cherished on. Oftentimes people told me to 'let it flow'. Nahh, I guess I'd make my own flow.

Stay a little bit longer, maybe it's going to be okay tomorrow.
I learned this while reading the novel by A. Fuadi, "Negeri 5 Menara". The art of 'probational period' or in German, Probezeit. If you feel uncomfortable doing something for a week, why don't you try it for a month longer? Even after a month, you are still feeling uncomfortable, why don't try it for a year? 2 years? 3? At the end of the day you wouldn't even realize how impactful and how hard you've been through up until this point.

I received German homework almost every day which covers writing, listening, and reading + homework in other subjects. Thank God the teachers were mostly very nice and kind, they won't scold us if we haven't finished the sciences' homework. Stayed up late and woke up early in the morning to finish homework, review class notes, memorize grammar rules, correct mistakes, and check my writing papers are my daily routine.

if only every single one of my paperwork turned into a food, I'd be obese by now.

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Sometimes I was very exhausted I didn't have the chance to really treat myself a good, wholesome breakfast or my nose bleed thanks to the overflowing stress. There are times when I felt the world wasn't siding on my side and people seemingly won't understand what I'm going through -- God and my tears are definitely my best friends.

After 3 months of ups and downs learning German, the DSH exam day had finally came.  I admit it wasn't my best shot as my health had gradually decreased for a couple of days in advance. But, why regret? I'm a believer in the process though. My struggles and the hard work I've put myself into won't be scaled by the black on the white but who I am actually today. Don't you think so?

When my results from all subjects came out, it marked the end of the first semester. On the last day of class, I was really surprised that I had successfully passed this semester! It felt surreal for me, honestly. I owe this not only to my supportive family, friends, and teachers but also to myself. #lovemyself

The second battle.

After a joyous holiday in Indonesia and a couple weeks of 'rebahan', I went to my first class ever in the second semester with quite a good mood... until realizing that there were seniors that stayed in Studienkolleg for the second semester a.k.a. 'wieder'. When there were too many people in one class, it wouldn't be productive. As a conclusion, they need to divide the class into 2 groups. Yeh, and as you can guess, I was being separated from my comfort zone once again 😀 I was one of the two people that needed to be in a different class while my old friends from the first semester are in the other. As if my struggles in the first semester weren't enough.

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But something really touched my heart. The day when I was assigned to study in a different class, my old classmates talked and hugged me saying that it wasn't fair. Without me knowing beforehand, they decided to talk to my homeroom teacher and asked if I could move and stay with them 😭 Thank you so much, you guys will never know how much it meant to me back then.

As there was no more German class, we intensively studied sciences. In Biologie, we had the chance to present one whole lecture about a topic we got to chose in the first semester and had the whole holiday to prepare. We learned more about Anatomie and I've chosen the topic 'the eye and its function'. I wouldn't explain the topic any further as it will lower your interest in continue reading, but long story short, it was complicated.

During the holiday, I needed to make summaries from books and references, not rephrasing and copy-paste from websites cause it's a deadly sin -- strictly forbidden, prepare PowerPoint and the handouts, and practice presenting. I need to e-mail my teacher about my progress on every deadline. What a joyous holiday indeed. Nevertheless, hard work would never lie though. I was thrilled to see how my friends are actively asking, giving opinions, and how my teacher had given a comprehensive explanation that helped me go on.

What I love about the learning culture here is, the 'no baper zone'. You will constantly be judged but in an objective kind of way. If you are good and hardworking, they will appreciate and said stuff you are worthy of. But if you are such a slacker, they wouldn't hesitate to evaluate and give constructive criticism. No hard feelings. You deserve what you deserve.

During the second semester, we needed to prepare for our one, last exam season -- the holy Festellungsprüfung (FSP) exam. We got to choose 2 subjects from the 4 available options. It was 1) Mathe or Physik, and 2) Biologie or Chemie. I went with Physik and Chemie. This exam was like our final exam, therefore, it affects a huge part of our report card. I think FSP exam is basically the same 'level' with Ujian Sekolah (USEK) that I wrote back in high school. I was thankful that there are tutorials that I could attend to prepare for FSP. It was such a great help! 🙆 for you that have been privileged to have tutorials, do not skip for your own good.

I heard that every Studienkolleg's FSP difficulty (and thus its curriculum) is based on the Abitur or the final exam in Gymnasium (high school) which depends on the Bundesland (state). For example, Heidelberg Studienkolleg is located in Baden-Württemberg (BW) state, which means it has more or less the same standard as all Gymnasium located in BW state. Other Studienkolleg, for example, Frankfurt Studienkolleg is located in Hessen state thus they may have a slightly different difficulty. I personally think all Studienkolleg in Germany has the same standard for curriculum, but that doesn't close the possibility of differences in the 'depth' of the materials.

FSP wasn't really a big deal if you study hard with no sleeping at all for 3 months.

No, just kidding.

As long as you pay attention, actively learn in class, do homework, write every single thing your teacher said, and not afraid to ask when you don't understand something, I believe you'll go through this. Every time you think you can't do this or you've had enough with all the stress... The last time I check, thoughts are just thoughts, not fact. They neither depict who you are nor who you could become. So believe in how wonderful you are actually and those potentials in you, kay?

I went through FSP surprisingly with less stress than I imagined. I was always the idealistic self that wanted everything to be going alright and perfectly as planned + targetted. Thus I always burn out and frequently having mental breakdowns.

But in the long run, I realize that juggling too many oranges at the same time is absurd, at some point one must sacrifice a number of the oranges. I was tired of being so harsh on myself, it's time to change my mindset. This time, instead of pushing my limit to its peak, I decided to take a step back. Study not only because of the mark I've been targetted into but because of the knowledge that sparks joy. I want to stop making studying as an excuse to neglect both of my mental and physical heaths.

At the end of the day, even if my marks aren't as beautiful as the sky-rocketed targets that I've written on the wall, I'm delighted to say that I was given the chance to know me better and get the hang of my 'crisis'. Which was far more important than black-on-the-white, in the long term.

Oh and I miss my friends and homeroom teachers so much!! Hope you guys are rocking life by now 🙆


I'm grateful that you are willing to read my pathetic story HAHA. Please take the good quality 'fruits', throw the rotten. My story may not be really exciting or even interesting at some point, but I do really hope that you could learn something from it. See you on the next post :)

Love and light,
Sintya.

بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم

Assalamu'alaikum

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Hallo Lieblings!

I'm sure I've mentioned this sacred ANP word previously but let's talk about it profoundly. I think this was the biggest challenge I had to overcome because all you need to surpass is to study and a tablespoon of luck.

Oh and don't miss the previous 3 episodes of the series! The First Footsteps: The Awkward Highschooler (#1), The First Footsteps: Before The Flight (#2), and The First Footsteps: Herzlich Wilkommen In Deutschland (#3).

As a disclaimer, please keep in mind that I wrote the exams back in 2019. Seeing that the exam systems and ofc questions might differ from time to time, please do stay updated and pay frequent visits to each of the Studienkollegs' websites. I hope my story would be helpful for you to avoid some of the stupidity that I did. This post will be decorated with a quite number of sarcastic emoji, please bear with it 💁

Now, shall we start?

Aufnahmeprüfung (ANP)

Mittelhessen Studienkolleg

Philipps Uni Marburg

NOTE: Please don't forget to bring your exam approval (Zulassung) and your passport every time you are going to travel for ANP. Check your Visa validity too!

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Halle Studienkolleg

Martin Luther Uni Halle-Wittenberg

PRO TIP: If you want to study for ANP it isn't really necessary to buy new books if you can borrow it in the library or even buy second-hand books from Amazon or my favo web, Medimops!

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I thought so countless times but I believe there will be eventually sunshine even after the worst storms. Don't stop, keep on going. That one sack of gold you've always wanted might not be yours now maybe, just maybe, without you even knowing God may have prepared for you one big gold mine!

Heidelberg Studienkolleg

Heidelberg Uni (Library)

PRO TIP

• memorize a number of vocabs every day and enrich yourself with C1 level vocabularies,

• learn Grammar stuff from A1-B2 with no exceptions!! Even all those Nomen-Verb Verbindung

• listen to many, many Deutsche Welle news,

• watch a couple of Netflix series in German,

• re-do the sample questions until you are broke,

• practice your writing skill by... writing! Ask your teacher in the language course to correct your grammar and vocabulary,

• memorize commonly used words for each type of text such as describing graphs, bewerbungsschreiben, description, etc,

• and don't be afraid to ask and make mistakes -- because sweetie, that's how you learn.

Just like the previous ANP, we need to re-register ourselves. This time, I wasn't really expecting that so many people will take the exam with me. There were so many people we were divided into different rooms according to our names. It turned out that I'll take the exact same B2 exam as the people in the language school of Uni Heidelberg which is called Max Weber Haus.

بِسْمِ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلرَّحْمَٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيم

Assalamu'alaikum

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Hallo, Lieblings!

Please excuse me for being anti-social lately. And now the time has come. After procrastinating for a while I'd like to continue my chronicle of The First Footsteps Series in Germany. It's part three now yay. Make sure you read part one The First Footsteps: The Awkward Highschooler and part two The First Footsteps: Before The Flight first.

As an epilogue, in this post, I'm going to talk about my flight, early life, and language course. Though this part of the series doesn't really have much sun rays and rainbows I hope you can enjoy reading it. Vámonos!

Pre-Departure

We quickly bought a piece of new luggage and rushed back to the hotel. Every single thing that I've packed carefully and with so much love had to be transferred hastily to my friend -- the new luggage. It turned out I need to reduce my belongings. I was so frustrated I care no more about whatsoever thing I need and need not and threw away heavy stuff. Just as I finished packing in one hour, I still got time to take a shower and go straight to the airport. I couldn't feel happier just by seeing my fellow friends' faces at the airport.

I was quite proud of myself and still couldn't believe that I didn't need a whole damn month just to pack. I owe this to my Adrenaline hormone for sure.

As I went to Germany with a study agency, I and my friends checked in together as a group. Keep in mind that you can still go back outside even if you already checked in. I think it's best to first check-in and then saying your best goodbyes to your loved ones. That way you don't need to rush.

Just for your information, I brought one large dark blue suitcase from Antler (this one is really good and is still alive by now), one cabin suitcase from Traveler's Choice, a Jansport backpack, and a small bag from Rumah Warna to put my passport, wallet, and tickets. Personally, I think I took the right decision to bring one big suitcase and a small one as I like to travel outside the city and it was such a waste to bring the big one everywhere I go!

PRO TIP

• Check the health of your suitcases, be sure not to overweight it!

• Don't force your suitcase to bring the stuff more than its capacity :( Just. Don't.

• If your hometown isn't the same as the city of the airport where you are departing from, I suggest you arrive a day before. That way when something happens you still got time to spare and sort things out.

• Food > clothes

Departing

I took a night flight from Jakarta to Germany with Turkish Airlines and that's why I must transit in Istanbul. Thank God I got to sit beside my two close friends. Without their existence, I'd actually die out of bore before even arrive!

Serving a lot of varieties of dishes, Turkish Airlines' inflight meals might not be the best one in the market but they are actually tasty for those who like cheese and yogurt as much as I do. Sadly they don't really give you free internet connection (or was it?) I can't quite remember about that because I slept during that 6 hours long haul to Istanbul. For more information about internet connectivity in Turkish Airlines Flights here. The price ranges from 9,99 USD for an hour's worth of WiFi to 29,99 for 24 hours. The chair and leg space were comfortable that's why I became a sleeping beauty for the whole flight. Though they actually give you a good choice of entertainment, I'd recommend you to sleep as much as possible to avoid jet lag.

Arrived in Istanbul the next morning around 5 AM and had to wait for transit for around 3 and a half hours. That is quite ideal though seeing that I had just enough time to grab some snacks, straighten my legs, pray Subuh, and do Zumba. The prayer room is very close to the gate and waiting room. It was bigger than I was expecting it'd be so it's a plus. We flew straight to Frankfurt Airport for around 3 hours and a half.

PRO TIP

• Try to sleep as long as possible without skipping any meals offered by the aircraft crew to lessen the jet lag.

• Drink and stay hydrated!!

• Most airplanes that I travel with provide body lotion and perfume in their toilet, but I would really recommend keeping your skincare close by.

• Bring extra warm outer, a pashmina, or a scarf especially if you are temperature-sensitive like me.

• Bring medicine, the important ones. (Oh and bringing Antangin + balsem is da real gold)

Early Days

Language course

My friends and I went to Alpha Aktiv Heidelberg and received my B2 language certificate there. It was really fun to get to know people from around the world. I was actually anxious at first because my german is as ugly as unwashed socks including my reading and writing skill. But man, all you got to do it to try. There will always be the first in everything though. I realize that even though I can't speak properly just yet, at least people understand me a little bit.

This phase is mostly fun, sun rays, and rainbows. Some people may think that sometimes it's a waste of time going to a language course seeing that our actual focus is to pass on ANP (Aufnahmeprüfung) or the entrance exam to Studienkolleg. I personally think that the 'flight hours' or what Indo peeps often say 'jam terbang' plays a huge role. Even if we already learned some things back in Indo, aber trotzdem the more we put our effort into something the better we will be.

My language course provided us with lots of training not only for grammar, but also listening, discussion, and writing. My teachers were very kind and helpful. I was glad that I've learned those things back in Alpha Aktiv with a native as I didn't get to learn those things in Indo. I guess it's crucial to learn a language with someone that actually speaks it. 

PRO TIP

• Do. The. Frikin. Homework. I know it's hard to learn a language but that doesn't mean you should stop trying. Trust me doing the work diligently will be a huge help for your tomorrows.

• Increase your skill not only in language courses but also at home. Listen to conversations on Youtube, read the news in Deutsche Welle or Tagesschau, subscribe to Netflix (and change the audio and subtitles to German, please)

• Don't be afraid of talking in discussions. At first, it wouldn't be easy because as for me I have that 'language switch' in my head that I couldn't control at times. Sometimes I was unaware that I spoke 3 different languages in a sentence :') le cri. Take every chance of talking like a gold chance representing your country hoho.

• Venture out of that comfort zone bubble, dude.

Okay, and now this is starting to get a lil bit emotional. Time for a pat on the back, peeps.

Tell me I'm such a drama queen but I think the hardest phase of everything is not the end but the start. Man, when you press that start button, es gibt keinen Rückweg -- there is no way back. It was very hard for me to make myself believe that I don't have any homesickness, that I'm not going to catch a cold, that I'm strong, that I'm going to do this all. People were telling me that I should make myself believe what should I believe. I tried but I'm failing all the way. Not gonna lie the stress and the pressure was very real, ironically I received the most from myself.

I warn you this is going to be sentimental but I feel like I got to let this out. People thought that studying abroad would be a very cool thing to do at least once in a lifetime -- which is true, partly because that uni name would be written there on your CV. But that pretty clear blue sky you have seen on Instagram or that smiles from fellow abroad peeps captioning "when in Europe" or whatever country they went to... It's just what they want you to see. The truth? Buddy, trust me being here is mostly storms and lightning bolt.

I always think that I'm just a mediocre human being that did a very stupid thing going outta my comfort zone bubble where I had enough food, friends, and even support from my family. Ask my housemates and they'd say yes when you ask if tears dropped from my eyes frequently. I'm aware that I'm... weak, at the start point. Knowing nothing about what's going to happen is a catastrophe for an idealistic-well-prepared geek like me. Oftentimes I'd blame myself for why did I choose the road full of obstacles when I was able to choose the rainbows and unicorns.

But is there any regret?
With all my heart,
no.

It is not easy and very stressful at times until this very day, but I'd never turn back time and choose another option. There are priceless things money could never buy, like experiences. 10 million dollars or more could never buy that feeling of relief after that exam when you look at the sunset from the Old Bridge in Heidelberg or that laugh when you had your very first picnic with your Studienkolleg friends.

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Someone had given me profound insight into the purpose of keeping on the track no matter how hard it can get. We aren't a failure when we didn't succeed in several tries, failure is when you decide to stop trying. The start is hard, the fight in between and being perseverance is harder.

Whatever weighs your shoulder, there is nothing that could change a fact I know very well, that you are too, a human. It's neither wrong nor a fault of yours to have such emotions and be fragile at times. Please remember there are people ready to listen to your stories, just don't be afraid to reach out and know when and to whom you can seek help from :)

I hope you have a great day today. Studienkolleg and ANP post is coming up next!

Love and light.
Sintya