I'm sorry, but I can't go home yet

10.54 AM.

God, not again. 

I was supposed to attend a VWL class at 10.15 AM, and I guess it’s not worth all the rush and racing with the ticking clock. I texted a good friend of mine that I woke up late and chuckled as I read her answers.

👩 Ich wusste es.

👩 Ich wollte gestern noch zu dir sagen 'aber nicht verschlafen!'

Truth is, I slept at 3 AM. Not only today but also almost every day since last week. Please don’t ask me why, because I'm also looking for a definite answer.

It’s not even the 2nd week of 2023, yet there were a lot of human things that happened. Few called it drama, but I decided to call it life.

I opened the window and wondered why the sky looked so gloomy today. It seemed like it was about to rain. The sweater weather made me march back to bed. I still have time to kill before the next class anyway.

As I scroll down through Instagram, my sister phoned.

Great. What a perfect time to get caught.

My soul is still disconnected, my sight hazy, but I took the call anyway.

📞 Have you checked the family WhatsApp group?

What?

I read through the 30+ messages.

My head was spinning and my heart skipped a beat.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun

Telah berpulang kahadirat Allah SWT

Ibu Sukarti bin Sadili Martowirejo

Pada hari ini, Rabu, 11 Januari 2023 pukul 20.23 WIB. 

Mohon doanya semoga almarhumah berpulang dengan husnul khotimah.

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi rojiun

Has passed away in the presence of Allah SWT

Mrs. Sukarti bin Sadili Martowirejo

Today, Wednesday, 11th January 2023 at 20.23 West Indonesia Time.

Please pray that the deceased will leave with husnul khotimah (beautiful closure).

Grandma.

At this point, the gloomy sky started to pour heavily. 🌧

Assalamu'alaikum.

Hello, friends.

I hope you are starting 2023 with a big heart and positive determination. As I pondered about reviving my blog, my top priorities were to ‘spread positivity’ and to ‘make people feel better’. That's why I felt sorry for having to begin my first post in 2023 with such... agony.

But you know what? This is one of the many things, students abroad and those who live far away from their loved ones have to face day by day, besides their constant academic struggle. I think it’s crucial to let you guys know how big the tradeoff is. And I want you to know that even the darkest clouds still have silver linings. 🌥

You may read this post because you know me from my sugar-coated Instagram account. Duh, of course I don’t want you to see me right now. Especially when I struggle to even open my swollen eyes due to the ‘excessive’ production of tears, in addition to my already unwanted sleep-deprived routines.

Oh, to dream out loud. The bigger the dream, the bigger things you must ready to sacrifice. If you ask me to list all the things that I missed out on during my venture abroad, trust me friend, it will be never-ending.

I just can’t describe how painful it is not to see how my little sister has grown into a fine young woman, or how my parents’ hair has started to shift to silver.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”

I tried so hard to let out a simple smile every time I said ‘I wish I was there to celebrate your happy day’ when my friends video-called me during their birthdays.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”

How must I have felt when I turned down a lot of wedding invitations from the kindest friends?

“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”

And then it hit me so hard and cruelly when I heard about Grandma’s passing. Yet, besides the prayers and the deepest condolences, these words always linger in my mouth.

“I’m sorry, but I can’t go home yet.”

A lot of things made me contemplate life. However, in plain English, the depressing days taught me a lot more. Most of the time, it made no sense when it happened. Then, magically, a couple of months later, I can do nothing but thank God that I was able to absorb a lot of learnings from the dreary experience.

During my time abroad, I’m alone with my thoughts most of the time. I ponder quite a lot, and sometimes even too much. How frail we can be at times; how can we be in a room full of people and feel as if there is no one to rely on; and how far can our hearts ache? 💔

I don't want this heartbreak post to be self-pitying, where I lament the things I wish I had done, the promises I unwillingly break, or the words I should have said because someone else's time is the God's top secret.

I want this to serve as a reminder that all you have is the present. Say what you want to say, love like you always wanted to love, pour your tawbah--repentance in your prayers, forgive and be kind to others... Because truth to be told, we are all one breath away from our last.

Ever heard of The Hero's Journey?

Coined by Joseph Campbell, this storytelling framework divides the plot of a story into three stages. First, the hero’s mundane life is disrupted by a call for adventure. Second, the hero has to overcome challenges and defeat enemies during their quest. Then third, they finally return home transformed. At each stage of the journey, the heroes will undergo inner and outer transformations.

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Living with mundane routines (1) we are always thirsty for adventures (2), yet too afraid to take the risks (3). Then there comes a time when someone or something sparks our energy and enthusiasm to jump into the boat #YOLO (4). Leaving our comfort zones (5), we may regret our impulsivity (!!) yet we made great friends anyway, dealt with a lot of challenges, and grew from our mistakes (6).

As we get closer to our goals (7), there will always be problems that are so big we thought we couldn’t make it (8). Then help came magically, a light at the end of the tunnel (9). We constantly learn, reflect, and make sure the bad stuff wouldn’t happen again (10). Nevertheless, big obstacles may come in the way despite how close we are to the finish line (11). In the end, the hero heads home. Triumphant (12). And the cycle will begin again at (1).

I don’t know about you, but I like to think that we are the heroes of our own stories. (Yep, here we go with our main character's energy!). It makes me feel really hopeful to perceive the world as our runway.

I met a lot of people, strong ones, along the way who went through things that my limited human brain can’t fully comprehend and sympathise with. Their stories are, in short, overwhelmingly insane. Not to compare, but if I were put in their shoes at the same time as them, I doubt I could handle it as gracefully as they did..

Life can be very brutal in a second. Yet somehow…  As the world spun like smooth jazz, we found reasons to keep on living. We found hope. Sometimes even from the most unexpected places. We just have to keep walking, if not, crawling, until along the way all the puzzle pieces come together and everything will make perfect sense.

“Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity…” (Al-Baqarah: 286)

The excerpt of this verse is very well known among my friends from high school and has been kept very close to my heart until this very day. Sometimes, we do get pushed to our limit. We do need to give some things up and then need to pivot. We do feel like the mountains are too heavy to be moved. We do have limited time. But surprisingly, along our rocky paths, God had given us a scenic view to ease our minds, heartwarming conversations in books that somehow uplift our spirits, even bizarre encounters with strangers-turned-best friends. 

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I may have changed my major from Food Chemistry (a story for another time), but there is one thing I learned in Physical Chemistry. Based on the second law of Thermodynamics, the total entropy or chaos in this universe is always positive. Meaning, it can never get back to zero or decrease, it’s simply there and expanding. To note, the more disorder there is, the higher the entropy. If you are curious about this, believe me, you don’t want to hear my explanation. I’ll give you the freedom to search for yourself on Google.

Studying abroad has a lot of tradeoffs. Sure.

But it can change your life for the better. Definitely.

Nevertheless, despite the gruesome plots life had written for me up until this point, I’m very grateful that the whole process has been very rewarding. I definitely broke my heart into million pieces along the way. Yet, without it, I will never learn how to heal myself and rely on Him to get back up again. As they said, no heartbreak lasts forever. 

Life is bizarre, chaotic, and ecstatic. Yet it’s also beautiful, serene, and fulfilling at the same time. Frankly, I think that being hopeful is one of the secrets of living (other than not drinking too much caffeine or getting enough sleep I suppose). We all struggling, but please never make an excuse that your heroic story doesn’t matter at all.

In reality, we have choices until we don't.  Time is running short.

I hope that instead of running away from the uncomfortable feelings and seemingly impossible challenges, you had the strength and courage to, in the end, accept the bleeding, heal, and then keep walking.

Because we all know that when the hero stops, their story ends there.

Thank you for sticking around.

I hope--my last hope--we are strong enough to hope.

At least, until we can go back home again.

Love and light,

Sintya

More recommended reading:

Hero Journey